"After being a Christian for 35 years, my life was in shambles because of sin, but when I called on the name of Yahovah and decided to have faith in him alone, things completely turned around for me.
In my past, I truly was no angel. I wore a smile on my face out in public but at night when I went home and was all alone. Many times I cried myself to sleep only to wake up in the middle of the night wondering if God was going to judge me and strike me dead for everything I had done with my life.
My conscience convicted me of my self destructive ways. I did not need anyone to tell me how rotten I was, I knew I was not living right, though I thought because I was a Christian, I could sin today and repent tomorrow. After all I was “ Under Grace”. The question in my mind was, If grace covered me and I was forgiven, then why were so many things in my my life going wrong? Why did I not have peace, the kind of peace and victory experienced by the apostles and prophets, of old?
There were several times I came very, very close to ending it all. Sin caused so many circumstances which could have been avoided if only I repented, turning away from the selfish careless lifestyle I was living.
One day while in a deep depressive state, I actually began planning to commit suicide. I thought it would be the only way out of the pain I was experiencing. I felt empty and without hope. After returning home from work, my secret plan was to be carried out that night, however just before doing so, I prayed one last time, "God, if you can help me, please do it now, cause I just can't do this anymore. I confessed everything I did and ask him what HE wanted me to do. I told him I would do whatever it took if he would save me and relieve me of my pain. I no longer wanted this life of sin and was in desperate need of redemption. I then remember praying, “ I have been a Christian for over 30 years. I listened to the pastor and have been a good Christian girl, Why is my life so empty, why don’t I have the victory and peace I read about in the scriptures? What am I doing wrong? What did the believers do in the early church, in the days of Messiah? GOD...I Want The Truth!
After I prayed, I remember hearing in my heart, “Forgive everyone who hurt you, then release them”. I remember saying out loud, “ YES, I WILL DO IT!” I began to weep while pouring out my heart to Abba. For the next two weeks, as the Holy Spirit brought to my memory those who deeply hurt me, I began to forgive and then release them from any debt I felt they owed me. Abba walked me through that very painful time, however I knew that If I did exactly what he asked of me, I would be healed. At that time in my life, I also suffered from a sleep disorder. I could not sleep unless I took medication for depression, anxiety and a sleeping pill every night. I remember praying, “ Father, if you will hold me in your arms tonight when I go to bed, I know I will sleep without any medication”. As a sign of my faith, I flushed every pill I took for depression, anxiety and sleeplessness away at once. The next morning, I woke up refreshed without having taken any medication for the first time in years. I knew Yahovah was with me, I knew I was free.
Something had changed in me, Joy began to fill my heart again. I no longer wanted to sit in dark places but loved the light! As I began to pray for the truth that sets men free, Yahovah lead me to his Torah. I asked Father to show me anything I had learned that was wrong as a Christian and began to lead me to his truth. I walk in that very truth today, set free, filled with joy and peace.
Now I am blessed with sanity instead of depression and anxiety with constant sleepless nights. I am blessed with a peace I've never known before which is still beyond my understanding.
My mind is now clear from the horrible thoughts of suicide and dark thoughts of dread day after day. I can finally think straight and am in my right mind. I turned from the way I was living before when I thought the answer to a better life would be found in a good relationship or being accepted or popular.
Now a days, I share my testimony at every chance with whoever will listen. I tell them there is hope because I am a living witness to the power of Yahovah’s love.
I pray one day I will be able to be used in the healing of others. I believe that has already begun. As I am used in the healing of others, I get a front row seat in watching the love of Yahovah work in the lives of hurting souls just as he has in mine. Thanks for letting me share my testimony, I pray it will be greatly used to the glory of our loving Father, Yahovah who was and is and is to come."
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